What Domestic Violence and Planting a Garden has taught me about Surviving this Presidency

Planning my victory garden in the wake of his destruction

I write this on the morning that all federal grants and loans have been frozen. My God, what thing will this man NOT destroy?

Sidenote: how is it that having compassion for people other than yourself has been branded by the GOP as something evil to be eliminated? That is an entirely separate question, I know.

As a rural healthcare provider who has literally worked my way through school every step of the way, and still has relied on student loans, I finally qualified for a program to reduce my overall loan balance by working extra years in a rural community, where I frequently care for Trump supporters. And I literally would not be working in such a community had it not been for my desire to extend humanized care to all people, including rural and uneducated folks, even those who have drank the Kool-aid and have this belief that people like me don’t deserve loan repayment. Alas, I am bracing to lose this support this year.

I was reading from Bill Mollison’s permaculture manual last night for some inspiration on how to get through this utter mess. And I have to agree, I see some parallels between what permaculture theory speaks of, and my own personal experience of surviving an abusive relationship. Permaculture, which focuses on integrating natural concepts, also emphasizes adaptability and nuance. It highlights the strength of diversity in systems, how some things help other things to grow. While it is largely focused on ways to live with the earth in terms of food production and sustainability, it also expands this to the community and political levels, suggesting design alternatives for a world that will last.

Many people are struggling right now with trigger responses to Trump’s flurry of actions. Let’s face it, he is just about as abusive of a human being as you can find. He completely lacks empathy. He has openly discussed and even bragged about assaulting women. He literally does not care about you or me or anyone who stands in his way.

I had a partner with similar traits at one point in my life, who had violent outbursts anytime something did not go his way. I walked on eggshells and constantly worried for my physical safety. I normalized being emotionally and verbally cut down, which is something that happens in abusive situations - you get used to it so you can survive. And fighting it becomes tiresome, so you end up succumbing for a while because it feels like there is no other option.

But there is. And I feel lucky to say that I discovered it, when many women aren’t able to extricate themselves from the confusion and the even addictive quality that abusive relationships can have. There are a few things I learned through this experience that may be useful in our current conundrum:

1. Going no-contact is OK. There is no rationalizing with an abusive person. They don’t wake up one day and suddenly realize they are terrible humans. They will never get better. The situation will NEVER improve on its own. You cannot wait for them to come around, or you will waste your entire life waiting. Once you realize life isn’t about waiting for someone else to come around, you have more power within yourself to take action. While I recognize that it is pretty hard to go no-contact with the POTUS, you can give yourself small mental breaks. You do not need to read the news constantly. You can have some boundaries around that and create space to do things that continue to enhance the joy and resilience in your own life. Right now, the noise around this evil man and what he stands for is DEAFENING. If left to its own devices, it functions to distract us and use up every bit of our mental energy, leaving us easily controlled and vulnerable. Frankly, f*** that. Cut him out of your life, even if it is for one hour at a time.

2. Abusive people thrive off of your reactions. They want to see how they can get to you. Don’t let him do that. Stay icy, calm, calculated. Use the no-contact strategy in order to examine how much the reactivity is impacting you and your nervous system. Abusive people also thrive off dichotomies - rich vs. poor, black vs. white, fascist vs. socialist. This is the age old trick of kings, to force people into two categories so that they can be divided and forced to continuously misunderstand each other. Don’t fall for that trap. We all know that life is far more intricate and complex than what this paradigm suggests. As a mother with a child with disabilities, I can tell you that we are still very much both human - we have more similarities than differences, she has more gifts than weaknesses, and there is much to be celebrated in the in-between. There are immigrant children this week caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, at no fault of their own. There are millions of people left without jobs because their jobs worked to help people instead of serve the billionaire class. What they want is for you and me to buy into the power dynamic that ultimately leads to their gain and our collective loss.

3. To get out of this situation, or any abusive one - you have to design your way out of it. You can’t react your way out of it. When you are kept in a cycle of abuse, you are never able to find the time or energy to actually manifest what you want -instead your life force energy is consumed by the continual pattern of responding to injury after injury. We see this all the time with our patients and clients in domestic violence situations, and it is a big reason it isn’t easy to always get out. As each sudden blow comes, instead, let it roll off. Take note of it, and how crappy it makes you feel, and how depraved this human being must be to inflict so much harm upon other human beings. But all along, you must harness your own inner creativity and commitment to designing something new, something refreshing and vital - something that is not simply a reaction to the evil, but brings life to your soul. You may only know that the abuse is what you DON’T want, and that is OK. That is something. They say that what you tolerate is what will continue - and you can’t be surprised if that happens. So the creation of a new life or a new world starts with a NO. A clear delineation of what we will not accept or embrace. And from there, the seed-planting starts.

And on that note, this is why planting a victory garden, or survival garden, is so incredibly radical. I dare you, stalk this Substack and you will see our successes this next growing season, how much time we have with one another, how much food we harvest and cook, and how much security exists in knowing you can feed yourself. Ditch the hours spent on social media, and dig in the earth, instead. The recent bird flu which we have now been prohibited from hearing about by the entities that actually know about it - will be impacting our food supply. Why remain dependent on such a faulty system when it is possible to grow food on even a very small piece of land, in your backyard, and even indoors with hydroponic systems? So the plans for the victory garden are being set. It is our only antidote to the poison of the fascism creeping in to our beautiful country. It is something positive to focus on despite the horrors. And yes, it is very different from the tradwife-based homestead vision circulating so much on social media and Youtube right now. It is far more liberated than that.

Honing in first on soil health and water catchment, then diversification of plants, companion planting, and integrated pest management. Plans for in-ground gardening, raised beds, vertical gardens, and sheltered gardens. Are you already feeling a bit liberated from the orange guy just thinking about something else? Thought so. We are designing something different, something that is beautiful and wholesome and inclusive.

We are living in a time where the illusions of money and time and all the things that continue to rule us will be coming to an end. We will watch these evil tech-bros and billionaires eat each other alive like an episode of Game of Thrones. We will watch racists recognize the folly of their ways by discovering how terrible it is to suddenly not have anyone around the pick your food. We will see the evangelicals who ushered in this anti-Christ come to see how much harm they have inflicted upon vulnerable people with their vote. And all of these things, as painful as they are to witness and experience, will pass. I certainly don’t want this article to sound like we are sticking our proverbial heads in the sand. It is quite the opposite. It is feeling the trauma, letting it pass through our systems, and placing our hands in the soil to bring forth something beautiful. We will cope, and we will not let this monster get us down.

I feel this coming in so many ways. As a midwife, I welcome new lives to the planet over a hundred times per year. As a mother, I see how important it is to create the structures for our little ones to grow, trellises for their tiny vines to hold onto as they emerge and flourish. I am extra keen on this in relation to my child, Torvi, who has Down Syndrome. I am preparing for us to lose every bit of support the government once provided to people with special needs. Trump himself has rubbed shoulders with self-described Nazis, openly stating how much he despises people with disabilities. And if there is one gift he may offer us, is that he has made it clear what he is going to do from the get-go. The people who decided he wasn’t meaning what he actually said are the ones we can look at when these horrors come to pass. He warned us, didn’t he? Yes, he did. And you chose to think the abuser wasn’t as abusive as he’s already shown you.

And that leaves me with the final concept - which is to always look for the patterns. In relationships, both with each other and with the natural world, patterns hold the key. We find clues in tracking these patterns over time and space. Through this we learn both from success and your failures/challenges. And, when we are not surprised by them, they certainly hold less power over us. I teach my children this already. When we can cautiously anticipate things, instead of avoiding them or being hyper-vigilant, we can know what we need to do.

While I still do not have all the answers I need, I know that looking for the patterns will guide us. With Trump, I don’t need to dive into every little detail to already know what he and his cronies stand for. Over here, we will keep working to create something different, something that isn’t defined by abuse, power, money, greed, and hate.